The Princess and the Pie

When I was a child (moreso than I am now), my father used to make up bedtime stories for me. They were full of magic and castles and all that great Disney stuff. I can remember a handful of them, but there's one that sticks out in my memory, and it goes something like this.

There once was a beautiful princess in search of a prince to marry. But her father, a very wise and powerful king, would not let just any prince marry her, he had to test them to find one that was smart and kind and worthy. So he sent a message to every corner of his kingdom, offering his daughter's hand in marriage. But only to a prince who could make her cry... without hurting her or being mean to her in any way.

And so princes from all across the land came to the castle, one after another, to try and make the princess cry. They sang her sad songs, told her sad stories, told her scary stories. But nothing anybody came up with could make her shed the slightest tear.

Then one prince came to her and asked her to show him to the kitchens, because he wanted to cook for her.

The princess found this very unusual, because royalty do not cook. They have servants to do it for them! But she was curious, so she led him to the kitchen and watched as he began to gather his ingredients, saying he was going to make her a mince meat pie. She watched him work, curious and questioning, and wanting to be polite, she also asked if there was anything she could do to help.

"Why yes! Could you please do me a favor and chop up these onions?" So she picked up a knife, and slowly but surely began cutting the onions, and before she knew it, tears began to roll down her face.

So the prince and princess were happily married with the blessings of the wise king, and they lived happily ever after and made mincemeat pie together every week.

I'm not even going to list all the ways this bothers twenty-year-old me. What the hell, dad?

I feel like, if I were to tell a bedtime story at this point in my life, it would go more like this. If I had a daughter.
(I hope I don't.)

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who fell in love with a handsome prince. He was kind and charming, very smart and he made her laugh. They did everything together, and one day got married and went to live in a beautiful castle.

But they didn't live happily ever after. The prince turned out to be an evil sorcerer in disguise, who used magic to trick many princesses into falling in love with him. When the princess discovered this she was frightened and heartbroken, and she fled the castle and escaped to her old kingdom. But not before the sorcerer cursed her, and covered her heart in ice so she could not fall in love again.

The princess was bitter and scared, but still very lonely. So she once again began the search for someone to live happily ever after with. Many princes came to court her, but the curse around her heart was so strong they could feel the evil coming from it, and it scared them away one after another. The princess grew very tired of meeting princes only to have them run off, and she began to lose hope of ever breaking the curse.

But one day something unusual happened. One certain prince did not run off, he came back to see her a second time. And then a third, and then a fourth. He came to visit her over and over, and they talked for hours, and walked through the castle gardens, and began to smile and laugh with each other more and more. Little did the princess know, the prince had the same curse as she, only cast on him by a witch! And every time they spent a day together, the ice on their hearts melted a little more, until one day it was gone entirely. They fell in love with each other at long last, and finally live happily ever after.

See? It's magical and realistic. Sort of.
I can't believe I just wrote that emo bullshit. Was it funny? Let's pretend it was funny.

I'll try to write about something less trite next time. Like how I think adults should talk to children about sex.
Yeah. that'd make a good youtube video.