Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Burning Bridges

When I was a child (moreso than I am now), I was awful at making friends. I had a few in passing, sure. A Puerto Rican girl in first grade that turned out to be really mean, a quiet girl in second grade who was into all that Lisa Frank shit, this chubby girl in my neighborhood who was super nice and who I actually got pretty close to. By and large though, I got picked on a lot, and I only ever had one friend in all of grade school that I still consider a real friend.

My dad would try to make me feel better by saying I didn't "need" friends. This may or may not have helped lead to my current mindset.

When an acquaintance of mine whom I highly respect said that "friends are expendable," I found myself agreeing with him. And I feel bad about thinking this way, but I don't think I'm at fault for it.

The number of friends I have depends on what mood I'm in and how you define "friend," and therefore ranges anywhere from zero to three-hundred eleven. But it's usually about six. This number recently dwindled to five.

I seem to have a knack for getting close to people who eventually cut me out of their life entirely. This is entirely understandable. If someone is poison to you, for whatever reason, then you ought to cut them out of your life. It's what's best for you. We can't all go around sacrificing ourselves for the sake of sparing other people's feelings. At the same time though, I can't comprehend it, because nobody has ever done something to me awful enough to warrant this. Does that mean I have done things to other people that are awful beyond my own comprehension?

Anyhow, I find it increasingly difficult to become close to people. When they disappear they do so quite suddenly, and I feel like I always have to be prepared for that.
I'm certain I'm not alone in that, as a matter of fact, I'm willing to bet most college students my age might say the same thing. Or not, I don't exactly have a large sample size at my disposal.
I wonder if it can be helped.

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