Monday, December 5, 2011


I consider myself a good person.
My moral compass, is probably a lot different than yours. I won't, however, deny that I've done wrong.

I've "cheated" on everyone I've ever been in a monogamous relationship with. Cheating is bad, of course, because it hurts people. I can't stand hurting people.

My solution? Fuck monogamy.

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

 I spent an inordinate amount of my short life enamored with one person. The infamous first love. They greatly shape who we become as people.

For about a year and a half of my time in a "relationship" with this person, he was also in a relationship with someone else. Why did I let shit go on that way? I was naive as hell, and I did stupid things in the name of love. I was assured he was only with her for the company, and that I was the one he loved, and that he would leave her to be with only me again when the time came. This trained me to have a very odd mindset. I'm okay with him fucking other girls as long as he still loves me. I later found out he'd also lied about being in love with me.
From then on I divorced the ideas of sex and love. They became, for me, completely different things that do not necessarily go together all the time.

Through the duration of that disaster of a relationship, I believed that one can only romantically love one person at a time. This was the origin of most of my pain. Many people suffer from this same notion, however, it simply isn't true.

Firstly, there are many kinds of love. The way a parent loves their child, the way a person loves their pet, the way you love your first, and each love thereafter. Arguably no two loves are the same.

Secondly, consider this: When a family with a child has an additional child, do they love their first child any less? A friend shared a beautiful analogy with me, that I will paraphrase:
When we had our next child, we explained to the older one... that your mother and father's love is like a flame, and you, the children, are the candles. When one candle lights another, the flame doesn't go away, it grows. So we can give our love to your younger brother too, but it doesn't mean we love you any less.

The realization dawned on me. That same idea does work with romantic love. We love different people for different reasons in different ways. Why not be able to be intimate with all of the people you want intimacy from? Go to concerts with this person, go to museums with another. It's a matter of needs. We spend our whole lives being exposed to something contrary, but that doesn't make it true.

I am, for the first time in my life, in a polyamorous relationship. With someone I've yet to lie to. Which is a big thing for me, because I lie like a motherfucker. And so far, it's the healthiest relationship I've ever had. I don't fear replacement. I don't feel jealousy. Hell, he could have a harem of women and I'd be fine with it, as long as we were all aware of eachother's existences. Admittedly I'd vie for position as the matriarch, but I'd submit to the right woman. I mulled over the logistics of it, and really, the main problem with polyamory is that there are people that don't want to take part in it. This approach to relationships is still new to me, I can't say I've fully experienced it yet. But so far, it really works. In theory it's more stable and better than monogamy in every way.

Alas, not many people welcome this idea, or even comprehend it. And because of that, there are people in my life who I love, but will never hear me say it, and who I would make love to, but will never know it.

Did I adopt this approach to relationships for fear of being hurt? Originally, yes, and I don't see anything wrong with that.

I do believe in something like "true love," which I think is more appropriately referred to as "complete love." And I think it is attainable with just one person, but how likely is that?


  1. Now if you believe in something known as complete love and that it is attainable with just one person, would you say that that is the ideal form of love?

    I don't think I'll ever be in the situation of being in love with more than one person at a time. It must be pretty confusing.

  2. I think whether or not that is the ideal form of love is up to the individual. I'm inclined to say yes, but that might be the monogamist still knocking around in the back of my mind. I just don't know yet.

    I'm learning to recognize different kinds of love. I think I have, and do, love more than one person at a time. In different ways, though. There isn't any confusion as of yet.

  3. would you hold that everyone can be (or is?) polyamorous?

  4. Let me recommend some reading one book touches on polyamory and one on "complete love" as you call it (though neither entirely). Listed perspectively: A Lodging of Wayfaring Men by Paul Rosenberg and Real Time Relationships by Stefan Molyneux. Both are available, in digital form, free online.

  5. "would you hold that everyone can be (or is?) polyamorous?"

    I have no fucking clue. I'm just taking something I've found to be true for myself and rolling with it. Maybe?

    DB: Thank you for the recommendations! I am certainly interested in learning more on the subject.

    1. Saw this today, thought you might be interested.

    2. Thank you for sharing!

      I would love to add another woman to the household...