Sunday, September 23, 2012

I Miss You

(A letter to some of the people I have called friends in my life.)

I miss you, who used to sit next to me on the bus and play pokemon with me. One time this kid at the back of the bus was trying to kick me (I can't remember why), but you sat there between us so he couldn't. We used to explore the woods and creek together. You thought like me more more than anyone I've ever met. These were some of my fondest childhood memories. I'm sorry if I was an obnoxious kid.

I miss you, who decorated my locker for my birthday in middle school. We used to walk together sometimes, or just hang out. I would share candy and exchange letters with you, and apparently we've saved each other's lives. I can't remember what that was about, either. You were the first friend I had long phone conversations with.

I miss you, who helped me endure the long, dull hours of the "after-care" program. I didn't get along with anyone there, but you made it bearable. We drew together with gel pens and tried to get out of being forced outside.

I miss you two, I always considered you a sort of pair. You were much older than me but were always nice anyway. You'd play with me at the community pool and occasionally let me win in Tekken or Risk. I miss your mother, too. You would take me shopping, or just come over and talk. You even took me to a concert once. I always thought of the three of you like family.

I miss you, who became my penpal when I was young, despite being older than me. You made me feel smart and interesting. I was always delighted to receive your letters, illustrating how you were going to build a cheese empire. I even sent you cheese samplers for Christmas.

I miss you, who used to goof off with me when the teacher wasn't looking in fifth grade. You actually introduced me to pokemon in second grade, and gave me my very first card. A meowth, because I like cats. I always felt like I was competing with you because I thought you were the only kid in class as smart as I was. I ended up getting a crush on you and pretty much never speaking to you again out of embarrassment.

I miss you, who were the first person to come over and talk to me when I started high school. You were kind of a jerk sometimes, but you were a loveable jerk. We got mad at eachother a lot but looking back it was all stupid shit anyway. I loved our vulgar inside jokes, and enjoyed just hanging out with you.

I miss you, who were the other person to greet me when I first started high school. You've got a heart of gold, you know. You were the only friend to call me when my sister was in the hospital to see how she was doing, and you became like family to me. You really kept an eye out for me.

I miss you, who became the next person to reach out to me in high school, some time later. You finally convinced me to cut my hair short. You introduced me to some new things, including my favorite anime. You never had any respect for me, so maybe I don't miss you so much after all. I am still thankful for the interaction we had, though.

I miss you, who became my first "real" boyfriend. You were just so goddamned adorable. I enjoyed our secret cuddling and kisses in corner of the library, and the darkness of the empty lecture hall. We turned out not to be the best fit, but we became like brother and sister afterward. You are such a kind soul, to this day my heart melts when you tell me of your troubles.

I miss you, my first love. You gave me the best and worst days of my life (up until recently). I miss your doleful eyes and your impossible charm. You have the most beautiful way with words. I loved the way you saw life. You told me I was the first thing you thought of every morning and the last thing you thought of before you went to sleep. You gave me so many new ideas and experiences. You really helped shape me into who I've become. Remember holding the water fountain for me and then spraying me with it?

I miss you, and your cheesy Tom Cruise smile. I miss your strange suave dorkiness that is so unique to you. Even now when I finish class on a chill fall day, I feel like I should be getting into my car to go pick you up from school. You really adored me, way more than I deserved. Despite the hurt I caused you later on, I really just did everything I could to please you, which is not something I think I've done for anyone since.

I miss you, who told me I could get any man I wanted. (It's not true, you know.) Anyhow, you are an interesting person with aspiration to admire. I enjoyed hearing about your adventures with sketchy but legal substances. Though sometimes a bit cynical, you are intelligent and clever, and I am glad I got to have some fun times and talks with you.

I miss you, who I've never met in person, but have known for a long time. You hate humanity so much, but get so lonely. I tried my best to understand and be there for you, even tried to help you find a job. Things never seemed to go your way. I loved talking to you, though. Something about you was just so sweet and different.

I miss you, who told me to think of my heart as a sort of pipe where water leaked though. And I could stop it up with a few smaller pieces, it didn't have to be one big one. I didn't get to interact with you much, but I would have liked to.

I miss you, who helped me to realize that I wasn't really a Catholic. Beyond that, you helped me come to terms with my masochism. I became a little side project of yours, I think. I've always enjoyed your presence, but felt like I wasn't really worthy of it. I am diminished by your intelligence, but still seek interaction with you.

I miss you, who I wish I'd befriended earlier in my high school career. On occasion we would go out to a diner at some absurd hour of the morning just to chat. You introduced me to some beautiful new music, and advised me through some hard times. I just had fun talking to you. You are a fantastic human being.

I miss you, who would sit around with me in the physics room sharing philosophies and having strange discussions. You took me fishing once, I didn't catch anything but I didn't mind. We took your dog to the park and surfed /b/ together, among other fun things. You are remarkably intelligent, and I enjoy listening to you talk, especially about physics.

I miss you, who found me on the vastness of the internet by chance of similar music tastes. I think I embarrassed my self in front of you a lot. You never treated me any differently, though. When I had bad days or nights you gave me adorable notes and drawings, or helped me dance the tears away. We stayed up late watching Craig Ferguson and eating pickles with chips and dip.

I miss you, the first and only friend I ever actually made IN a college class. You sparked a conversation in a psych lecture and things took off from there. You invited me to watch shows and play games I'd have otherwise never gotten into. You were there for me at a time when things in my life were a little... whoa... and I wouldn't have had anyone else in your place. I've always admired your confidence, creativity, and sense of humor.

I miss you, who I met off the internet despite you living so near. You took me to the best sushi place in Columbus and I didn't even realize it. You drew me into your comics, which was utterly adorable. You drove me out to adopt the dog I love so dear, and even helped me care for him. You went through a tough time for awhile and you're doing much better, and I'm sorry if it sounds odd, but I'm proud of you. You are all around a pretty neat person, and you make awesome caterpillars.

I miss you, who held my hand through a children's museum. We found constellations on my ceiling, and you told me you'd never feel more comfortable in your own skin than you did then. You asked to kiss me and said you didn't care if I had morning breath. You licked the plate clean - the best compliment I've ever been paid. You wanted to show me off to your fifteen year old self. Things ended terribly but I don't mind. Wasn't meant to be, but it was still good. You introduced me to some new and wonderful ideas, some of which are very important to my life right now.

I miss you, who weren't a friend so much as an acquaintance I was particularly fond of. I consider you to be an arbiter of good taste, and enjoyed the few candid interactions we had. You introduced me to a variety of mixed drinks, and busted out your shotgun when I was being stalked. You are a good role model and I think I unconsciously tried to emulate you in quite a few ways.

I miss you, with whom I spent a lot of time cuddling and watching cartoons. You recited some remarkable original poetry for me. You read your awesome fanfictions to me. You cooked me some mighty fine meals, introduced me to new things, and made me feel wanted.

I miss you, who waited hours for me my first shift at Northstar because I was nervous. You took me on adventures and humored my whims. We played chess on the oval and hollered at people from rooftops. You taught me how to ride a bike. I loved cooking for you because you sincerely enjoyed anything that I made. You are a kind and generous spirit, but unfortunately, way too different from me.

I miss each and every one of you. Some of you are no longer a part of my life. The rest are present, but not in the way you used to be. And I'm sorry for the things I've done that have hurt some of you. Whether it was a byproduct of me not knowing what I wanted, or because I'd gotten overwhelmed and disappeared for exceedingly long lengths of time, or maybe something else. Thank you. I am glad I met you.

The chill autumn weather makes me lonely. It reminds me of every person I've ever known.


  1. I miss you, living, those I chances I wish I'd taken, for those experiences could have been worthwhile, and those that would not have been, if only for experiences sake. For all the experiences I've had, I still can't fathom what it is to live, but I will never stop trying to find out.

    I miss you, those at my first job. We grew up together, all of us. You who took the time to try and know me, even though I shut you out, I wish now I hadn't; it was a defense mechanism, I now Know, to prevent myself from being hurt. The thought of feeling more pain than I was already suffering (for many years following the death of my father) was almost as unbearable as what I hid behind the doors. But, you saved me, for a time I enjoyed my life again. I loved you all, I still do. I hope I will see you all again, but if I do not, I wish you all the best.

    I miss you, you most of all. You whom I cared for the most, whom I should have chased when you wanted to be chased. But I didn't know, at the time, I didn't know. I used to sit and ponder how things could have been different, if I had done what I look back and know you wanted, how they could have been the same in the end. You are in love now, I am happy, truly happy that you are.

    I miss you, my father, the man I never had time to know. Who lost a drawn out battle at a young age to that bastard cancer I fear will take me. Whom no one wants to reveal who you really were, not just what they want me to think you were. You had a wild youth I have discerned from a snippet of drunken candor here and there, stories I'm sure would have been used to impart wisdom in my teenage years which I will never hear.

    I miss those I did not mention, who are tearing at my mind as I type to be released into this comment, I'm sorry, I do miss you, I do remember you, but it is late and class is early. I have never had a lot of friends, the requisite meeting, trust and openness required do not come easily to me. But to all those I have considered my friends, who have made lasting impacts on my life, who I would have died for, I miss you, it was the greatest pleasure to have known you once.

    I miss, most of all, those days when I didn't have to miss any of you. When you were there in my life when I needed you, at the touch of a dial, the reach of my arm.

    It doesn't take the chill autumn weather to make me lonely, though perhaps it helps. It is something I once never was but now I always am. Perhaps a natural progression with age, perhaps just a circumstance requisite of how I have had to live these past years to survive and work towards my own end, I'll figure it out eventually.

    P.S. I also missed your blogs, almost jumped for joy when I saw a new post! Your writing always hits somewhere deep. Thank you.

  2. I found you on youtube,pipe girl.From here,Japan.
    I liked pipe smoking.
    When Spring comes to you,you'll get little happiness.
    When Summer comes to you,you'll get sweat.
    Human is nature, This is Japanese original thought!
    But I 'm not the only one...don't you think?
    I hope you understand what I 'm saying.
    so, take care Bianca!